But I seriously just need to let a bunch of shit go out of my head.

My mom is okay, except for the fact that she’s getting old and senile and she was raised in Honduras where the things in the home work differently and respect and behavior matter more than breathing. 

So my mom gets pissed off and upset whenever any of us do anything that isn’t 100% her way. She’ll yell at us, but when she yells at me, she yells and yells and I can’t say anything. If I dare say anything, sarcastic or not, intelligently comprised or not, she’ll say I’m being more disrespectful and say I don’t love her and continue her rant until I start crying and feel like shit. At that point, she’s like, “You have nothing to cry about.” Basically, I’m not aloud to have feelings. I’m supposed to be a robot that’s programmed to respect her and take care of her until she dies. I can’t have aspirations or pursue anything sort of career with my talents if I’m being a disrespectful piece of shit that hates family. I honestly do get annoyed with my family at times, because they do irrational shit and they make me want to avoid being at home, but they’re not all that bad. They’d do anything for me and they’ve always loved me, when they were around. They usually worked late and my brother actually had friends, and my sister went to parties so I spent a lot of time at home alone. I taught myself almost everything I know, and that’s just how I operate best now. So when I want to be alone and do stuff, my mom gets pissed. Every time she argues with me, the same process occurs: I do something “wrong,” she gets upset/mad and tells me I’m terrible, I get upset, she ignores me and then she apologizes to me with soft hate (she tells me I need to not be so terrible and have some respect) and then I just take her hurtful remarks and say “I love you” like a good little servant should. 

Not to talk about myself, but I’m not a bad kid. I have straight A’s, I don’t really do anything bad, I’ve never smoked or tried drugs, I never got into drinking, I don’t party. I’m an artsy kid that enjoys spending time on the internet and drawing. I also really enjoy spending time with my friends because I never had friends throughout my childhood and most of highschool. 

So why am I so awful? My mom is of lower…common sense and certain areas of intelligence. She knows about certain things very well, but she was also not raised in the same country and me. That fact alone is why everything I do is bad to her and I can never meet her demands. Her mom raised her and her siblings alone in a tiny country and all she wants to do is take care of her mom. My mom also had to deal with shit coming into this country but my dad is the main person providing for us, so I can’t slave my life away to take care of my mom because I actually want to go to college and have a career and move somewhere and have a life of my own. But when we argue, none of what I want matters. Maybe I’m wrong, but shouldn’t she be worrying about how my future will turn out? She’s lived past the hard times in her life and made a living of sorts and has a family, isn’t is my fucking turn? I can’t be a robot that is able to please anyone and everyone to their acute demands. Too much pressure makes me freak out, and all I ever wanted was to be my own person that was likable to other people ever since I was hated and ousted for just being in existence. 

The whole thing just pisses me off.